Spleen Chronicles

Don’t be sad when the holiday candies, cookies, and snacks you labored to produce run out. Be happy at the thought of all of the people with whom they were shared.

And if you ate them all yourself, it’s probably best there aren’t any more left.

Like clockwork, my seasonal blemish took up residence on my chin. This pimple pops up magically on Christmas morning and lasts through to the new year. This zit, zeitgeist of the Christmas season, is brought on by a combination of holiday stress and change in diet. It’s magical…like Christmas Snow. It shines brighter than Rudolph’s nose. In holiday photos, it glows redder than the red-eye. Its big, its bad, and its tradition.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences this phenomena, but I’ve come to expect it, and even look forward it. It is, after all, a metaphor for the holiday season: festively colored, filled with fun, a little bit painful, and lasts about a week and a half.

And so, I encourage you to embrace your blemish. Don’t attempt to cover it up, we all know it’s there, anyway. Its just your face is wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. So listen to your face and be merry and happy or you’ll never get rid of that damn pimple.

We all have one individual on our list for whom its troublesome to find a gift. If there’s something they want or need, they just buy it themselves. A gift certificate would be a good solution. However, more often than not, either you or the recipient is encumbered with holiday gift scruples that dictate that gift certificates are not an option. (The unwritten bylaw (Article II Section a1.5) states that gift certificates are lazy, thoughtless, and pretty much unethical gifts that carry about as many well-wishes as a bag of coal.)

In this circumstance, I recommend going to the store in seek of not the ideal gift for this person, instead, the most unlikely gift…to put it plainly, the item you think they’ll hate the most. When you make your purchase, be careful to include a gift receipt. Now you’re off the hook. You went into the store, you picked out an actual gift, and you bought it! Because they hate it, they’ll take the gift receipt and return it for something they really want/need!

And don’t worry about any criticism, Holiday Gift Bylaw Article III Section b.2.5 states that you must receive every gift graciously, no matter how much you hate it.

If you’re any thing like me, the first thing you do at a holiday gathering is sidle up to the smorgasbord of holiday food and commence grazing on calorie-laden goodies for the remainder of the evening. If ritual ruminating is a holiday tradition for you but you’d like to pass on the extra pounds, keep some sugar free gum handy. If your mouth is already occupied with a tasty piece of gum, you’ll be more likely to pass on treats that you’re not really hungry for…or at least have a moment to think twice about it, as you look for a place to spit your gum. My personal favorite is orbits sweet mint–I’ve never tried anything that tastes more like a Shamrock Shake without actually being a Shamrock Shake.

If gum’s not your thing, try moseying over to greener pastures to fill up on veggies before moving on to the more sinful snacks.

Wrap your holiday gifts while barefoot. More often than not, there’s nobody around to lend a finger to prevent the ribbon from slipping as you snug up the knot to the ribbon topping off the world’s most beautifully-wrapped gift. In the event of such an unfortunate incident, a toe will work just as well.

If flexibility is a concern, I recommend adult gymnastics at Tri-County Gymnastics.

I also recommend washing your hands after you’ve opened a gift from me.

Here’s an amusing snippet from the Brown County Sheriff’s Office Allouez Neighborhood Watch News that was shared with me by a co-worker

August 27th 9:12am – Deputies were dispatched to a school on the south side of Allouez for a possible body part found in the bushes. Upon arrival, Deputies collected the item and gave it to University staff for identification. UW staff confirmed it was a mushroom that merely looked like a body part.

I can be pretty hard on myself every now and again. But really? Who isn’t? Everyone’s got their insecurities and moments of self-doubt. I just feel like I have them more than others….no, that’s petty. I take that back. I’m not so important that I can proclaim moments of self-doubt are more frequent  or stronger than others. And who cares if I feel a little bad sometimes. Americans are far too obsessed with being happy. It’s perfectly normal to be unhappy sometimes. I’m sure I’m just another cog in the machine and there are thousands of others who are in much worse circumstances than I. I need to quit being such a whiner. I need to step up my game. Read the rest of this entry »

Not less than 1 inch.

I had been looking for a good, cheap 10 speed bike. I figured the exercise would be nice and I really do miss tearing around the neighborhood.  I decided I would keep an eye out to pick one up at the curb-side mall or a garage sale somewhere. As it turns out my parents acquired one that was left by a former tenant. It is, in all it’s glory, a purple and blue Magna Glacier Point Women’s 26″ 10 speed bike. Read the rest of this entry »

Kimberly Vlies, Wanted behind bars for good

I had always been good, for the most part. I never gave my folks much trouble, abided the law, adhered to social norms—but it was boring. The goody-two-shoes life that I had been leading left me feeling lukewarm and unfulfilled. I needed excitement. I was looking for a thrill. Well, as fate would have it, the thrill found me.

I was minding my own business at work last Tuesday afternoon when I received a mysterious call. I hesitated. My phone rarely rings, for which I am grateful. I hate talking on the phone. A quick glance at the small display told me it was an unlisted number. Doubly odd. If I ever receive a call its, with rare exception, from another campus phone.

Reaching for the receiver, I drew in a deep breath and prepared to recite my chipper telephonic greeting, “Good afternoon! Marketing and University Communication—this is Kimberly.”

Silence.

As I opened my mouth to speak again, an unrecognizable female voice poured from the receiver. “Kimberly, hello, this is Dawn with the MDA. I’m calling to notify you that someone—someone who wishes to remain anonymous—has accused you.”

I was at a loss for words. Dawn who? What’s the MDA? Caught off guard, I could only rudely sputter, “Wha-accuse ME? Of WHAT?!”

Dawn continued, unaffected by the tone of my response as if she had heard thousands like it before, “You’ve been accused of having a big heart.”

I rolled my eyes. Thank you, lady, for wasting my time. I’ll openly admit I’ve got a big butt, large thighs, and an ample waistline, but a big heart is not among my identifying features. Truth be told, I’m really quite self-centered. Either Dawn was giving me a line or her informant was poorly-informed. Before I could say I’m so sorry, you’re so sadly mistaken, my Grinchy little heart is two sizes too small, her voice became urgent.

“An accusation of this severity is not to be taken lightly. You’ve got until 1pm Wednesday, May 20, 2009 to raise $1,600 that will prove the greatness of your heart and win your freedom. If you cannot reach your goal, you will be taken into custody given an hour to call as many acquaintances as you can to help you to post bail.”

I nearly shouted into the phone, “SIXTEE—Sixteen hundred dollars!” Struggling to control the volume of my voice, “My heart isn’t even that big! It’s tiny! Times are hard. I don’t have that kind of money to give away, nobody does!”

Her voice softened then, but still conveyed authority. “Those with big hearts rarely act alone. They rely on the strength and resources of friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances. Yes, times are hard, but think how much harder they are for non-profit organizations receiving dwindling donations. The money you raise will not go to waste—it will help bring a better life to children with Muscular Dystrophy.

“To help you achieve your goal, we will send you pledge materials and give you a secure online donation account. It will be up to you to do the rest.”

And so I became involved with the MDA. I may have sensationalized the account a tad, but the important parts are true. I was looking for a thrill to make me feel alive again, and I’ve accepted a daunting challenge. Now I’m in over my head and I’m counting on good friends with kind hearts to help me reach my goal.

On Wednesday, May, 20 I’m getting “Locked Up for Good” in support of the Muscular Dystrophy Association.

They’ve set my bail at $1,600—enough to send a two children with muscular dystrophy to MDA Summer Camp.

If supporting me to raise funds for MD interests you, please, let me know. I’ve got a pledge form and I can take cash, check, credit card…there’s even an option to donate online, if you’d prefer that.

Thank you for your consideration.

Kimberly Vlies MDA Lockup Page