Spleen Chronicles

I took a ride down the stairs last night. The previous owners of my home thought it would be a good idea to paint the stairs with high-gloss powder blue paint. This, coupled with my fondness for fuzzy socks, can make a trip downstairs treacherous. Last night’s incident was particular in that I also happened to be wearing my fuzziest pajamas, lending distance to the low-friction slide that would imminently follow, paddling my ample bottom all the way down to the third remaining step.

And really the worst part, I think was the feeling of my posterior meeting the first step, more than the slide. The thing that’s really remarkable is that my left buttock now sports a bruise that bears uncanny resemblance to the band of the Milky Way. Who’d have thought that Milky Way’s really would go straight to my ass.

Don’t be sad when the holiday candies, cookies, and snacks you labored to produce run out. Be happy at the thought of all of the people with whom they were shared.

And if you ate them all yourself, it’s probably best there aren’t any more left.

Like clockwork, my seasonal blemish took up residence on my chin. This pimple pops up magically on Christmas morning and lasts through to the new year. This zit, zeitgeist of the Christmas season, is brought on by a combination of holiday stress and change in diet. It’s magical…like Christmas Snow. It shines brighter than Rudolph’s nose. In holiday photos, it glows redder than the red-eye. Its big, its bad, and its tradition.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences this phenomena, but I’ve come to expect it, and even look forward it. It is, after all, a metaphor for the holiday season: festively colored, filled with fun, a little bit painful, and lasts about a week and a half.

And so, I encourage you to embrace your blemish. Don’t attempt to cover it up, we all know it’s there, anyway. Its just your face is wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. So listen to your face and be merry and happy or you’ll never get rid of that damn pimple.

We all have one individual on our list for whom its troublesome to find a gift. If there’s something they want or need, they just buy it themselves. A gift certificate would be a good solution. However, more often than not, either you or the recipient is encumbered with holiday gift scruples that dictate that gift certificates are not an option. (The unwritten bylaw (Article II Section a1.5) states that gift certificates are lazy, thoughtless, and pretty much unethical gifts that carry about as many well-wishes as a bag of coal.)

In this circumstance, I recommend going to the store in seek of not the ideal gift for this person, instead, the most unlikely gift…to put it plainly, the item you think they’ll hate the most. When you make your purchase, be careful to include a gift receipt. Now you’re off the hook. You went into the store, you picked out an actual gift, and you bought it! Because they hate it, they’ll take the gift receipt and return it for something they really want/need!

And don’t worry about any criticism, Holiday Gift Bylaw Article III Section b.2.5 states that you must receive every gift graciously, no matter how much you hate it.

If you’re any thing like me, the first thing you do at a holiday gathering is sidle up to the smorgasbord of holiday food and commence grazing on calorie-laden goodies for the remainder of the evening. If ritual ruminating is a holiday tradition for you but you’d like to pass on the extra pounds, keep some sugar free gum handy. If your mouth is already occupied with a tasty piece of gum, you’ll be more likely to pass on treats that you’re not really hungry for…or at least have a moment to think twice about it, as you look for a place to spit your gum. My personal favorite is orbits sweet mint–I’ve never tried anything that tastes more like a Shamrock Shake without actually being a Shamrock Shake.

If gum’s not your thing, try moseying over to greener pastures to fill up on veggies before moving on to the more sinful snacks.

Wrap your holiday gifts while barefoot. More often than not, there’s nobody around to lend a finger to prevent the ribbon from slipping as you snug up the knot to the ribbon topping off the world’s most beautifully-wrapped gift. In the event of such an unfortunate incident, a toe will work just as well.

If flexibility is a concern, I recommend adult gymnastics at Tri-County Gymnastics.

I also recommend washing your hands after you’ve opened a gift from me.

Here’s an amusing snippet from the Brown County Sheriff’s Office Allouez Neighborhood Watch News that was shared with me by a co-worker

August 27th 9:12am – Deputies were dispatched to a school on the south side of Allouez for a possible body part found in the bushes. Upon arrival, Deputies collected the item and gave it to University staff for identification. UW staff confirmed it was a mushroom that merely looked like a body part.

I can be pretty hard on myself every now and again. But really? Who isn’t? Everyone’s got their insecurities and moments of self-doubt. I just feel like I have them more than others….no, that’s petty. I take that back. I’m not so important that I can proclaim moments of self-doubt are more frequent  or stronger than others. And who cares if I feel a little bad sometimes. Americans are far too obsessed with being happy. It’s perfectly normal to be unhappy sometimes. I’m sure I’m just another cog in the machine and there are thousands of others who are in much worse circumstances than I. I need to quit being such a whiner. I need to step up my game. Read the rest of this entry »

Not less than 1 inch.

I had been looking for a good, cheap 10 speed bike. I figured the exercise would be nice and I really do miss tearing around the neighborhood.  I decided I would keep an eye out to pick one up at the curb-side mall or a garage sale somewhere. As it turns out my parents acquired one that was left by a former tenant. It is, in all it’s glory, a purple and blue Magna Glacier Point Women’s 26″ 10 speed bike. Read the rest of this entry »