We all have one individual on our list for whom its troublesome to find a gift. If there’s something they want or need, they just buy it themselves. A gift certificate would be a good solution. However, more often than not, either you or the recipient is encumbered with holiday gift scruples that dictate that gift certificates are not an option. (The unwritten bylaw (Article II Section a1.5) states that gift certificates are lazy, thoughtless, and pretty much unethical gifts that carry about as many well-wishes as a bag of coal.)

In this circumstance, I recommend going to the store in seek of not the ideal gift for this person, instead, the most unlikely gift…to put it plainly, the item you think they’ll hate the most. When you make your purchase, be careful to include a gift receipt. Now you’re off the hook. You went into the store, you picked out an actual gift, and you bought it! Because they hate it, they’ll take the gift receipt and return it for something they really want/need!

And don’t worry about any criticism, Holiday Gift Bylaw Article III Section b.2.5 states that you must receive every gift graciously, no matter how much you hate it.

If you’re any thing like me, the first thing you do at a holiday gathering is sidle up to the smorgasbord of holiday food and commence grazing on calorie-laden goodies for the remainder of the evening. If ritual ruminating is a holiday tradition for you but you’d like to pass on the extra pounds, keep some sugar free gum handy. If your mouth is already occupied with a tasty piece of gum, you’ll be more likely to pass on treats that you’re not really hungry for…or at least have a moment to think twice about it, as you look for a place to spit your gum. My personal favorite is orbits sweet mint–I’ve never tried anything that tastes more like a Shamrock Shake without actually being a Shamrock Shake.

If gum’s not your thing, try moseying over to greener pastures to fill up on veggies before moving on to the more sinful snacks.

Wrap your holiday gifts while barefoot. More often than not, there’s nobody around to lend a finger to prevent the ribbon from slipping as you snug up the knot to the ribbon topping off the world’s most beautifully-wrapped gift. In the event of such an unfortunate incident, a toe will work just as well.

If flexibility is a concern, I recommend adult gymnastics at Tri-County Gymnastics.

I also recommend washing your hands after you’ve opened a gift from me.

Here’s an amusing snippet from the Brown County Sheriff’s Office Allouez Neighborhood Watch News that was shared with me by a co-worker

August 27th 9:12am – Deputies were dispatched to a school on the south side of Allouez for a possible body part found in the bushes. Upon arrival, Deputies collected the item and gave it to University staff for identification. UW staff confirmed it was a mushroom that merely looked like a body part.

I can be pretty hard on myself every now and again. But really? Who isn’t? Everyone’s got their insecurities and moments of self-doubt. I just feel like I have them more than others….no, that’s petty. I take that back. I’m not so important that I can proclaim moments of self-doubt are more frequent   or stronger than others. And who cares if I feel a little bad sometimes. Americans are far too obsessed with being happy. It’s perfectly normal to be unhappy sometimes. I’m sure I’m just another cog in the machine and there are thousands of others who are in much worse circumstances than I. I need to quit being such a whiner. I need to step up my game. Continue reading →

Not less than 1 inch.

I had been looking for a good, cheap 10 speed bike. I figured the exercise would be nice and I really do miss tearing around the neighborhood.   I decided I would keep an eye out to pick one up at the curb-side mall or a garage sale somewhere. As it turns out my parents acquired one that was left by a former tenant. It is, in all it’s glory, a purple and blue Magna Glacier Point Women’s 26″ 10 speed bike.

Continue reading →

Kimberly Vlies, Wanted behind bars for good

I had always been good, for the most part. I never gave my folks much trouble, abided the law, adhered to social norms—but it was boring. The goody-two-shoes life that I had been leading left me feeling lukewarm and unfulfilled. I needed excitement. I was looking for a thrill. Well, as fate would have it, the thrill found me.

I was minding my own business at work last Tuesday afternoon when I received a mysterious call. I hesitated. My phone rarely rings, for which I am grateful. I hate talking on the phone. A quick glance at the small display told me it was an unlisted number. Doubly odd. If I ever receive a call its, with rare exception, from another campus phone.

Reaching for the receiver, I drew in a deep breath and prepared to recite my chipper telephonic greeting, “Good afternoon! Marketing and University Communication—this is Kimberly.”

Silence.

As I opened my mouth to speak again, an unrecognizable female voice poured from the receiver. “Kimberly, hello, this is Dawn with the MDA. I’m calling to notify you that someone—someone who wishes to remain anonymous—has accused you.”

I was at a loss for words. Dawn who? What’s the MDA? Caught off guard, I could only rudely sputter, “Wha-accuse ME? Of WHAT?!”

Dawn continued, unaffected by the tone of my response as if she had heard thousands like it before, “You’ve been accused of having a big heart.”

I rolled my eyes. Thank you, lady, for wasting my time. I’ll openly admit I’ve got a big butt, large thighs, and an ample waistline, but a big heart is not among my identifying features. Truth be told, I’m really quite self-centered. Either Dawn was giving me a line or her informant was poorly-informed. Before I could say I’m so sorry, you’re so sadly mistaken, my Grinchy little heart is two sizes too small, her voice became urgent.

“An accusation of this severity is not to be taken lightly. You’ve got until 1pm Wednesday, May 20, 2009 to raise $1,600 that will prove the greatness of your heart and win your freedom. If you cannot reach your goal, you will be taken into custody given an hour to call as many acquaintances as you can to help you to post bail.”

I nearly shouted into the phone, “SIXTEE—Sixteen hundred dollars!” Struggling to control the volume of my voice, “My heart isn’t even that big! It’s tiny! Times are hard. I don’t have that kind of money to give away, nobody does!”

Her voice softened then, but still conveyed authority. “Those with big hearts rarely act alone. They rely on the strength and resources of friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances. Yes, times are hard, but think how much harder they are for non-profit organizations receiving dwindling donations. The money you raise will not go to waste—it will help bring a better life to children with Muscular Dystrophy.

“To help you achieve your goal, we will send you pledge materials and give you a secure online donation account. It will be up to you to do the rest.”

And so I became involved with the MDA. I may have sensationalized the account a tad, but the important parts are true. I was looking for a thrill to make me feel alive again, and I’ve accepted a daunting challenge. Now I’m in over my head and I’m counting on good friends with kind hearts to help me reach my goal.

On Wednesday, May, 20 I’m getting “Locked Up for Good” in support of the Muscular Dystrophy Association.

They’ve set my bail at $1,600—enough to send a two children with muscular dystrophy to MDA Summer Camp.

If supporting me to raise funds for MD interests you, please, let me know. I’ve got a pledge form and I can take cash, check, credit card…there’s even an option to donate online, if you’d prefer that.

Thank you for your consideration.

Kimberly Vlies MDA Lockup Page

Coloring sheet pdf download

Ah…Valentine’s Day. A day for commerce and candy and flowers and dates and dining out. With a gift-shop holiday so deeply rooted in the profit margin on an I-love-you message, it makes me wonder if anyone is loved any less during these “tough economic times.” Or, could it be that they’re loved more?

Valentine’s Day lands on a Saturday this year. More couples have more time to devote to today than the usual week-day valentine’s day. They don’t need to pack all of their love into a single over-whelming gift purchase. They have the time to make it more about spending time together. They can plan mini-weekend getaways, or a nice dinners at home with a cozy night in.

Well, they all say the best things in life are free. So my Valentine’s day gift to you is a free coloring sheet.

There is a tremendous evergreen in my living room right now. Remarkably, the very living room that I had previously believed to be rather generous in size has been dwarfed by a holiday decoration.

I was spoiled by last year’s installation of the “natural” Christmas tree. Said natural tree was harvested directly from the Northwoods by my own Papa and had never been pruned unless perhaps by a hungry whitetail or rogue porcupine. The tree looked great out in the woods, but by the time we erected it in the living room, the festive trimming appeared to be nothing more than a bare spindle with a branch or two every 6 inches or so.

What we lovingly referred to as “The Charlie Brown Tree” had it’s benefits. Every ornament on that tree was in perfect view. Foot traffic could easily maneuver around it in spite of hearty holiday-fed figures. Most importantly, it did not obscure the view of the television set, thanks to the sparse foliage. Nonetheless, it was a little disappointing to behold and I think my parents may have felt a little bad for supplying such a dismal “first tree.”

To make amends, they promised the largest of the manicured double-balsam firs lining their hunting cottage property front. Papa insisted the tree had grown too large to prune and that he’d prefer to cut it down and transplant a smaller one to fill it’s place. I eyed up the gorgeous, full evergreen and took him up on his offer. We cut it down and they delivered it on their way back to town after the gun-hunting/Thanksgiving festivities just today.

As the case tends to be, the tree didn’t look nearly as big in the front yard as it does in the comfort of my living room. It’s too big for my tree stand and leans unfortunately to the side. We struggled and grunted turning the tree and cutting it so that it just might fit. Papa muttered excusing “a few” dried oak leaves among the branches I’d need to clean up…and wouldn’t you know it, a robin’s nest? How did that thing not fall out? He recommended tying it to the front window treatment and propping up one side of the stand with a block. It obstructed two lanes of traffic to our furniture and left our modest CRT television set only marginally visible.

Don’t worry…Christmas is not ruined…I just needed to relate this story because I think it’s funny. It really doesn’t look bad now and I do think it’s sort of neat that there’s an actual discarded nest among the branches. I may need to find a bird ornament to light on the edge. I’ve pruned the branches back significantly and moved the furniture slightly, cleaned out the oak leaves and put a board under the stand. It actually looks pretty nice…and the TV is visible enough to meet our needs. The house is beginning to look festive.

On Wednesday, May, 21 I’m going to get “Locked Up for Good” in support of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. It’s been a hectic week so I’m afraid I’ve been slacking on collecting donations to make bail.

I set my goal at $250 and I’ve collected $65 so far. I’m very appreciative of the donations I’ve received thus far, but I’ve still got a ways to go.

If supporting me to raise funds for MD interests you, please, let me know. I’ve got a pledge form and I can take cash, check, credit card…there’s even an option to donate online, if you’d prefer that.

Kimberly’s MDA Bail/Donation Site

Thank you very much for considering a donation.