Kimberly Vlies, Wanted behind bars for good

Kimberly Vlies, Wanted behind bars for good

I had always been good, for the most part. I never gave my folks much trouble, abided the law, adhered to social norms—but it was boring. The goody-two-shoes life that I had been leading left me feeling lukewarm and unfulfilled. I needed excitement. I was looking for a thrill. Well, as fate would have it, the thrill found me.

I was minding my own business at work last Tuesday afternoon when I received a mysterious call. I hesitated. My phone rarely rings, for which I am grateful. I hate talking on the phone. A quick glance at the small display told me it was an unlisted number. Doubly odd. If I ever receive a call its, with rare exception, from another campus phone.

Reaching for the receiver, I drew in a deep breath and prepared to recite my chipper telephonic greeting, “Good afternoon! Marketing and University Communication—this is Kimberly.”


As I opened my mouth to speak again, an unrecognizable female voice poured from the receiver. “Kimberly, hello, this is Dawn with the MDA. I’m calling to notify you that someone—someone who wishes to remain anonymous—has accused you.”

I was at a loss for words. Dawn who? What’s the MDA? Caught off guard, I could only rudely sputter, “Wha-accuse ME? Of WHAT?!”

Dawn continued, unaffected by the tone of my response as if she had heard thousands like it before, “You’ve been accused of having a big heart.”

I rolled my eyes. Thank you, lady, for wasting my time. I’ll openly admit I’ve got a big butt, large thighs, and an ample waistline, but a big heart is not among my identifying features. Truth be told, I’m really quite self-centered. Either Dawn was giving me a line or her informant was poorly-informed. Before I could say I’m so sorry, you’re so sadly mistaken, my Grinchy little heart is two sizes too small, her voice became urgent.

“An accusation of this severity is not to be taken lightly. You’ve got until 1pm Wednesday, May 20, 2009 to raise $1,600 that will prove the greatness of your heart and win your freedom. If you cannot reach your goal, you will be taken into custody given an hour to call as many acquaintances as you can to help you to post bail.”

I nearly shouted into the phone, “SIXTEE—Sixteen hundred dollars!” Struggling to control the volume of my voice, “My heart isn’t even that big! It’s tiny! Times are hard. I don’t have that kind of money to give away, nobody does!”

Her voice softened then, but still conveyed authority. “Those with big hearts rarely act alone. They rely on the strength and resources of friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances. Yes, times are hard, but think how much harder they are for non-profit organizations receiving dwindling donations. The money you raise will not go to waste—it will help bring a better life to children with Muscular Dystrophy.

“To help you achieve your goal, we will send you pledge materials and give you a secure online donation account. It will be up to you to do the rest.”

And so I became involved with the MDA. I may have sensationalized the account a tad, but the important parts are true. I was looking for a thrill to make me feel alive again, and I’ve accepted a daunting challenge. Now I’m in over my head and I’m counting on good friends with kind hearts to help me reach my goal.

On Wednesday, May, 20 I’m getting “Locked Up for Good” in support of the Muscular Dystrophy Association.

They’ve set my bail at $1,600—enough to send a two children with muscular dystrophy to MDA Summer Camp.

If supporting me to raise funds for MD interests you, please, let me know. I’ve got a pledge form and I can take cash, check, credit card…there’s even an option to donate online, if you’d prefer that.

Thank you for your consideration.

Kimberly Vlies MDA Lockup Page

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