I’m wallowing in self-pity right now…and the very realization of it not only make me feel worse, it disgusts me. My life is so rosey that the only thing I’ve got to worry about is my in-ability to play the violin with discipline. Of all of the adult things I could be preoccupied with, I’m questioning my value as a human being because I suck at my most recent less-than-worthwhile persuit.

Okay…so I enjoy playing, or rather totally sucking at playing the violin. I’m convinced that I know how to play the notes in tune…I know how to read the music and I’m fully capable of coaxing out the sweetest pianisimos or the boldest sfortzandos…but for some dumb reason as soon as I play, any imagined elegance, rhythm, or intonation evaporates…and I croak out the same pitchless notes I always have.
Yes, I’m dispicable…I sit here alone in my room with tears of frustration streaming down my blotchy cheeks (I never was a cute crier)   It’s very…erm…salty. I wonder if my private instructor dreads my lessons, “Oh crap…it’s Monday at 7:30 pm again!?” He tolerates my lessons for his love of making beautiful music…with the hope that my resounding screaches don’t damage his perfect ears.

He dissed my new bow…rightfully, so…I only paid $75 for it…what should I expect? During last week’s lesson I told him it was new and he responded laughingly that he supposed he shouldn’t say anything bad about it, then…so he saved it for today’s lesson. I’m making him out to sound like a jerk…he’s really very sweet and polite. He didn’t insult my bow…he just implied that a better quality bow would sound better, which is accurate. After finishing with the suzuki books, I told him that I had bought some new music…he suggested we play some of the Andrew Lloyd Webber music. My book, written to be played by beginning students, is ridiculously easy…only making me look that much more foolish when I screw up. When we played, just for kicks he began in third position and went on to play a full octive above me…all the while I had all I could do to play the correct key in first position. After that he told me how he marvelled at some other violinists and how they outplayed him. Great…I can’t imagine what that feels like.

Apparently I’m not practicing hard enough…whatever that’s supposed to mean. Maybe that’s my problem…practice hard…that’s not just practice a lot. It means, play the most mundane etudes for hours on end or the most brain-exerting passages in time with the throbbing of of my temples.

This isn’t making me feel any better.