Spleen Chronicles

Falling Gracelessly

kvlies — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 20:24:31 +0000

I took a ride down the stairs last night. The previous owners of my home thought it would be a good idea to paint the stairs with high-gloss powder blue paint. This, coupled with my fondness for fuzzy socks, can make a trip downstairs treacherous. Last night’s incident was particular in that I also happened to be wearing my fuzziest pajamas, lending distance to the low-friction slide that would imminently follow, paddling my ample bottom all the way down to the third remaining step.

And really the worst part, I think was the feeling of my posterior meeting the first step, more than the slide. The thing that’s really remarkable is that my left buttock now sports a bruise that bears uncanny resemblance to the band of the Milky Way. Who’d have thought that Milky Way’s really would go straight to my ass.

Holiday Survival Tip No. 5

kvlies — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 01:17:55 +0000

Don’t be sad when the holiday candies, cookies, and snacks you labored to produce run out. Be happy at the thought of all of the people with whom they were shared.

And if you ate them all yourself, it’s probably best there aren’t any more left.

Angela’s Angel: A Major Production

kvlies — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 21:22:48 +0000

On the morning before my sister’s 32nd birthday we got all hopped up on caffeine at our parent’s cabin. I convinced her it would be a good idea to run outside and make a snow angel so I could take her photo in it from the loft window. I told her if the photo turned out, it’d make a really cute print that she could send out with her holiday card next year. This is made all the funnier when one considers that Angela is visiting from southern Florida, where she experienced a nearly 90° temperature change. The low temp that morning carried a wind chill of -8°.

Since I received my new Flip Video camera from Andrew for Christmas, I was looking for an opportunity to make a video, but was disappointed to find my family a little camera shy. Well…as I mounted the stairs to the loft, I decided this was the moment. Humor ensues as a frozen Angela realizes I don’t have my dSLR in hand. Don’t worry, I did get a nice photo of her…but I also got some really great video footage that I just had to share! Check it out below.

Holiday Survival Tip No. 4

kvlies — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 20:16:11 +0000

Like clockwork, my seasonal blemish took up residence on my chin. This pimple pops up magically on Christmas morning and lasts through to the new year. This zit, zeitgeist of the Christmas season, is brought on by a combination of holiday stress and change in diet. It’s magical…like Christmas Snow. It shines brighter than Rudolph’s nose. In holiday photos, it glows redder than the red-eye. Its big, its bad, and its tradition.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences this phenomena, but I’ve come to expect it, and even look forward it. It is, after all, a metaphor for the holiday season: festively colored, filled with fun, a little bit painful, and lasts about a week and a half.

And so, I encourage you to embrace your blemish. Don’t attempt to cover it up, we all know it’s there, anyway. Its just your face is wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. So listen to your face and be merry and happy or you’ll never get rid of that damn pimple.

Holiday Survival Tip No. 3

kvlies — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 17:26:11 +0000

We all have one individual on our list for whom its troublesome to find a gift. If there’s something they want or need, they just buy it themselves. A gift certificate would be a good solution. However, more often than not, either you or the recipient is encumbered with holiday gift scruples that dictate that gift certificates are not an option. (The unwritten bylaw (Article II Section a1.5) states that gift certificates are lazy, thoughtless, and pretty much unethical gifts that carry about as many well-wishes as a bag of coal.)

In this circumstance, I recommend going to the store in seek of not the ideal gift for this person, instead, the most unlikely gift…to put it plainly, the item you think they’ll hate the most. When you make your purchase, be careful to include a gift receipt. Now you’re off the hook. You went into the store, you picked out an actual gift, and you bought it! Because they hate it, they’ll take the gift receipt and return it for something they really want/need!

And don’t worry about any criticism, Holiday Gift Bylaw Article III Section b.2.5 states that you must receive every gift graciously, no matter how much you hate it.

Holiday Survival Tip No. 2

kvlies — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:19:38 +0000

If you’re any thing like me, the first thing you do at a holiday gathering is sidle up to the smorgasbord of holiday food and commence grazing on calorie-laden goodies for the remainder of the evening. If ritual ruminating is a holiday tradition for you but you’d like to pass on the extra pounds, keep some sugar free gum handy. If your mouth is already occupied with a tasty piece of gum, you’ll be more likely to pass on treats that you’re not really hungry for…or at least have a moment to think twice about it, as you look for a place to spit your gum. My personal favorite is orbits sweet mint–I’ve never tried anything that tastes more like a Shamrock Shake without actually being a Shamrock Shake.

If gum’s not your thing, try moseying over to greener pastures to fill up on veggies before moving on to the more sinful snacks.

Holiday Survival Tip No. 1

kvlies — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 22:32:50 +0000

Wrap your holiday gifts while barefoot. More often than not, there’s nobody around to lend a finger to prevent the ribbon from slipping as you snug up the knot to the ribbon topping off the world’s most beautifully-wrapped gift. In the event of such an unfortunate incident, a toe will work just as well.

If flexibility is a concern, I recommend adult gymnastics at Tri-County Gymnastics.

I also recommend washing your hands after you’ve opened a gift from me.

Allouez Police Report – Body Part Found

kvlies — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:41:48 +0000

Here’s an amusing snippet from the Brown County Sheriff’s Office Allouez Neighborhood Watch News that was shared with me by a co-worker

August 27th 9:12am – Deputies were dispatched to a school on the south side of Allouez for a possible body part found in the bushes. Upon arrival, Deputies collected the item and gave it to University staff for identification. UW staff confirmed it was a mushroom that merely looked like a body part.

I need to step up my game

kvlies — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 04:27:04 +0000

I can be pretty hard on myself every now and again. But really? Who isn’t? Everyone’s got their insecurities and moments of self-doubt. I just feel like I have them more than others….no, that’s petty. I take that back. I’m not so important that I can proclaim moments of self-doubt are more frequent or stronger than others. And who cares if I feel a little bad sometimes. Americans are far too obsessed with being happy. It’s perfectly normal to be unhappy sometimes. I’m sure I’m just another cog in the machine and there are thousands of others who are in much worse circumstances than I. I need to quit being such a whiner. I need to step up my game.

I really don’t know if it’s worse for me to be a failure or semi-successful. I’ve come to define myself with mediocrity, arbitrary decisions and passive-aggressive attempts to resolve conflict. The particularly shameful thing is that I know what I can do to succeed and I’m not doing those things. I know how to set myself up for the best-possible results.

I’m sure that if I don’t like how hard it is to do things because of my weight, that I need to get more exercise and limit my caloric intake.
It’s a given that identifying challenges and tackling and conquering one to move on to the next in an organized fashion makes for productive work flow.
Experience tells me that planning a change in my schedule makes me instantly happier just because it’s different.
I’m convinced that eating unhealthy food makes me feel physically bad and healthy food makes me feel physically better.
I get excited about learning new things and feeling dumb and useless makes me depressed.
I know that the happiest times of my life have been when I’ve been physically active and the saddest when I’m nearly sedentary.
I know that blogging when I’m sorta sad makes me feel better (I’d better watch out or I’ll end up with a boatload of useless, sad blog posts.)

Why don’t I quit whinging and do these things?

I find in the end that any amount of self-pitty can be tied back to my own laziness and fear of success. Heaven help me if I let anyone expect too much from me…what if I can’t keep it up? I’m really ashamed of that, but it’s true. I’m fundamentally a tremendous procrastinator. I become overwhelmed with the smallest decisions and I find myself looking for every-day distractions to force me away from the task at hand. Isn’t that terrible? Whatever happened to the days that I’d go to the painting, sculpture, or ceramics studio and hours would go by without notice? Those were the most hopeful years of my life. What ever happened to that? Why can’t I just be good at the things I’m good at and bad at the things I’m not?

So this is my cheap therapy. I’m pretty ashamed of all this and don’t want to share it, but it seems somehow useless if I don’t click publish. I don’t want to talk about this. If you mention this to me, I’ll deny that I wrote this. This is not an intervention case either. I’ve already decided that if I ever get to a point that I’m feeling self-destructive, that I’ll schedule an appointment to donate my precious pint of O-negative to the Red Cross–at least then it will be useful to society. If you think I’m nutty, I challenge you to look within. I’m sure you’re a little nutty yourself. Don’t be critical. It’s okay if I’m in a funk and this makes me feel better.

New Used Bicycle! Woo hoo!

kvlies — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 23:55:13 +0000

Not less than 1 inch.

I had been looking for a good, cheap 10 speed bike. I figured the exercise would be nice and I really do miss tearing around the neighborhood. I decided I would keep an eye out to pick one up at the curb-side mall or a garage sale somewhere. As it turns out my parents acquired one that was left by a former tenant. It is, in all it’s glory, a purple and blue Magna Glacier Point Women’s 26″ 10 speed bike.

Like old days, Papa helped me lube the chain and break calipers and put air in the tires. Other than a ratty seat and a kick stand that’s broken off, the bike seems to be in working condition. It seems to shift gears with no trouble and the breaks do their job. I’m now in the market for a bike seat (I’d really love one of the retro kind with the springs) and a kick stand. If you or anyone you know happens to have either of these that they’d be willing to part with, please do let me know.

Amusingly enough, the graphic I included with this post appears in the Magna Bicycle owner’s manual in a section entitled “Before you ride.” I giggled immaturely and decided that I absolutely needed to share this gem with my pals online.

With that, I do believe I’m going to put on my dorky helmet and go for a ride. Later!