Spleen Chronicles

Drunk blogging…it’s a lot like drunk dialing…only with more typos. (Thank goodness for spell chekc…ecxuse me—check.) I’ve just returned home from Jimmy Seas….an excellent bar on the Fox River not far from my house. The ladies (Brenda & Angela) planned a night out for taco Tuesday and invited me along. We had the honor of meeting Jerry Jr. and Jerry Sr. …they each bought us a drink (plus an initial drink I had purchased on arrival)…so right now my head is swimming in two martinis and a Blue Moon. I spoke most with Jerry Sr. …a 61-year-old man…he was very sweet. He ballroom dances as a hobby, works for the Red Cross, and is a member of the Over 30 Singles Club. He asked me a lot about my boyfriend and what it was like to work with someone you were dating. It’s hard to describe from my perspective…I like to think that we’re both adult enough to handle it…but I know I’m the piss-ant that gets miffed when things don’t go my way….as much as I hate to admit it.

Jerry Jr. is apparently a regular and is acquainted with the bartender, Paco…who talked him into doing body shots off Angela and I…I’ve never had a body shot done before…quite frankly I thought they were kidding. Before I knew it, little Paco was lifting all 163 lbs of me onto the table so he could pour Tequila Rose into my navel. I’m still embarrassed at the thought of it. I don’t have a cute ombligo and nobody should ever have to lift my hefty ass onto a table…and the only person I want near my navel is my computer geek boyfriend.

Navel…that’s such a funny word. When you hear the words “Naval Base” don’t you just think of a giant belly button? Belly buttons are funny.

So…I did something moderately dishonest. Not dishonest enough for me to feel obligated to seek out the nearest priest for contrition (although this may come up if I ever find myself in confession and am unwilling to mention the really nasty things I do. It’s always good to keep some mild sins in your arsenal. I know I’m not perfect…the priest knows I’m not perfect…so I really have to be prepared with something to tell him. Besides…if there’s a really terrible sin that you don’t feel guilty for and you tell the priest, he’ll make you feel guilty for doing it, and worse yet, hell tell you to pray a couple rosaries and knock it off. Usually, if there’s a really terrible sin you’re committing and you don’t feel guilty for it, you like doing it and you probably won’t want to stop. These are the important things I learned in my catholic upbringing.) At any rate…I did this moderately dishonest thing…and it’s just dishonest enough for me to clear my conscience by blogging about it.

It all started on Saturday morning. I was with 3 of my closest lady friends. We decided that we would all go for a walk that afternoon in compliance with the blood-sister-diet-and-fitness-regime-pact we had sworn to a few months ago. I, however, was unfortunately inappropriately shod for such activity. I had no sneakers with me and it just so happened that buying new sneakers was on my to-do list.

And so it was that we all Rogan’s…where I proceeded to mull for some time over the aesthetics of one shoe versus another….after all, such decisions cannot be made in haste. Well…the original task of having to pick one pair of shoes was compounded by the fact that there was a buy one get one 50% off sale! I had to pick two pairs! So of course it took me twice as long! As quickly as my in-decisive nature would allow, I bought a pair of $75 new New Balance sneakers and the keeeeyyy-utest wedges…(the latter for half the price). Later that day…when I put the athletic shoes on again to go for a walk…they seemed a little roomy in the toe… I thought it was odd, but I shrugged it off and thought nothing of it. After all, this footwear’s predecessor had been of the same size of the same brand…of course they fit! Well, after two 2-mile walks and an aerobics class in my not-so-new-anymore sneakers, I finally came to terms with the fact that the damn things were to big for my little feet. CRAP! I paid SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS for those! So, I did what I could to dab the pebbles out of the soiled soles and buffed the scuff marks on the heels and I took the shoes back to Rogans and exchanged them for a smaller pair. So…if you get a pair of blue and grey size 7.5 women’s New Balance shoes at the east-side rogan’s…you may find them pleasantly broken-in for you.

Who knows maybe a priest will read this and say a prayer for my poor mislead soul and my sins will be absolved.